It's been over a year since I last wrote. I used to love writing and having time to write out my feelings towards what God was doing in my life - good or bad. But I just lost track of time. After March 20, 2012, my life changed. The August before, I had met a guy, we clicked, we started dating, and things felt right. Until around that time in March. You see, if I could go back, I would just whisper in my ear that this would only be temporary. We rebounded off of each other. Each of us was hurt (even if we didn't want to confess to it). You see, just a couple months before, I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and a relationship that this new guy was in for a long time, also ended. I was on a high. I was happy and joyful and full of life and ready for things to start back up. And they did. Until around April last year, things had gotten so rocky in our relationship. I thought it would pass, but it didn't. We decided it was best that we broke up. I cried for days straight. You see, the problem with rebounds are that you have this image of your past relationship - where you were, where you were headed together, and what you would change. The perfection about rebounds in the moment, is that they are everything you've wanted. And they want everything that you do. And they don't annoy you as much as your ex. But at some point, it phases you. You can't replace a person. You can't just drop them into a relationship. You have to start brand new. And we realized that we weren't supposed to be together. Of course I got too emotionally involved and again, cried for days. But God gave me an even greater hope and peace for my future that eventually helped me get over it. Not saying that you never miss a person though. It's crazy how even if a person hurts you emotionally, you forget about the pain you felt, and you begin missing the good things about them.
So it's been a little over a year now. I've had guys pursuing and then they give up. Which can get to you at moments, but life goes on. I've begun another job. I absolutely love it. I became a youth leader. I absolutely love those kids and would do anything for them. Some of my best friends walked out of my life. I grew closer with the ones that stayed. Then the ones that stayed close, left for college. But them leaving pushed me to depend on myself. No one else. No other friends, no other guys, no one. Just myself. It's been a year of growing up. I'm thankful for the things that God has brought me through. Thankful for the teaching moments I've witnessed. Thankful for the God moments when I've been able to share my experiences with those around me. I'm thankful for when I can be the teacher. But I'm also thankful for those days when I can learn.
This past month, I've dealt with a feeling that's hard to explain. It feels like everything inside of me disagrees with any thought I have - any person that comes my way. I say this lightly, but it is like a spirit of cockiness. I felt like a cloud was hovering over me day after day. Some days better than the other. But I brought worry into my life, I brought frustration and stress into my life, I brought an attitude that I could get things done faster than asking other people; I became a jerk. And it never helped me, and as soon as I would act out and know that what I would say to people would be hurtful, I'd apologize. But this cloud would just hang over me. I didn't want to be with people. I wanted to be alone and content. Fast forward to the other night, one of my very best friends asked me how I was doing (mainly because my left eye had swelled up and we didn't know why). In that moment, I broke down. I explained to her this feeling and how I had no idea how to get rid of it. And she encouraged me that I wasn't alone and that she was always there for me..which is rare to hear anyone say that to me..so I know she meant everything she said. That night though, something changed. I was finished and done with living like this. My complacent heart soon turned to not having enough. I went home and had put a cold compress on my eyes since they had swelled and was laying in bed. Not comfortable, but just kind of stuck there. So I prayed - hard. I hadn't prayed like that in months.. I gave my worries to God. Everything from having average grades at school to transferring schools to my future spouse to my plans for next week..everything. And it's funny though. Sometimes we think that we have to have these crazy emotional moments with God, but as soon as I let those things go, I just knew. I felt better and felt a weight lifted. No tears, no yelling, no jumping. Just.. peace. God works in each of our lives differently. When we make stupid decisions, we go through it - but He's there the whole time, protecting us, even when we don't realize it. When I was in that breakup with that rebound, I thought my world was crumbling down. But truthfully, I eventually realized that God was trying to build me back up that whole time. Sometimes you just can't ride things out. Sometimes you have to jump off and start swimming towards the shore.
I am so happy I finally had the time to write. This has been growing on my heart for a couple months - well, a year now..but something held me back from writing for this long. And I think it was the point where I released everything that I had been building up this past year. Everything was weighing me down and I finally let it go. Life gets in our way almost all the time, but God never leaves us hanging. Even if we have to feel pain and heartache, He's always with us.
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