Here goes nothing..

I've basically told everyone close and important to me the news..but I wanted to get my thoughts written out just so I can look back and be grateful for this time. So here it goes.

If you know me, and know me well enough to know my passions (or are my facebook friend and stalked what I was going to school for), you would know that I am pursuing a nursing degree. But what you might not know is when I was barely in middle school, God called me to lead nations. Yeah, I know. I didn't even know what that meant until I figured out that I enjoyed singing and playing instruments on the worship team about 6 months later. Like the kid I was, with no life experience, I was ready to move away and go to Hillsong to become the best worship leader there was. Again, I was 14. Thank the Lord my parents are smart because (after many arguments that I caused) they finally got a hold of my dreaming mind and said that I needed to do something else. Not that they didn't trust that I heard from God or that they didn't think I could make it in the music world, but they knew me better at that point of my life than I knew myself. You see all I wanted, or truthfully, all I understood worship and music to be, was a show. I didn't know the heart behind it. I didn't know the hardships behind it. I didn't know the commitment...yet. Through my middle school and high school years, I led worship at youth group and for my church and whether I liked it or not, I learned everything that I listed above - and am constantly learning even now. What happened in those years though was decision making. You see growing up I was always changing what I wanted to be when I was older...and seriously, if I didn't believe in God and believe in my calling, I don't know what I would be pursuing right now. But I had finally decided that I wanted to be a nurse. I didn't start thinking about it though until I graduated and then was interested in becoming a midwife (which is just getting your master's in nursing). Then within this past year and a half, I planned out that I would do medical missions and travel all over the world and lead worship and also minister to the sick. Great plan, right? And really, it could be done! Except it wasn't God's plan. And it never was for me. I had this idea of what I thought God wanted me to do, but He never called me to do it. And I always held onto that. I would go in deep thoughts of questioning God because I had two careers in mind but I was never called into one of them. This summer, I decided that I had enough credits to transfer to another school because I was tired of the community college I attend. I applied to various schools all over the US, some getting accepted into and some not. But I never felt right about them. Then this summer, I was so desperate for some type of answer that I remember praying/writing in my journal that if I wasn't supposed to do nursing, that I wanted it to be clear and obvious that I shouldn't do it. I wanted someone to tell me so boldly to get out. To not become a nurse.. And that happened. With someone that I barely knew, who I vaguely told what I was going to school for. After that night, my life changed. And I'm not saying that I'm relying on one person's words to me for the direction of my life, because there were many other opportunities for me to get out, but I was scared. And I should be scared now, but I have this overwhelming peace that cuts off any worry that I have. My options are endless right now. Which leads me to the exciting part of "so what are you going to school for?". I've researched and conversed and prayed and researched even more and still am not sure about what my future will look like, but right now, I'm taking my last two general classes before I start taking courses for the degree I would get if I stay at my school. If I decide to stay here, I would get a photography and graphic design degree, which I'm really excited about. I'm still trying to figure out if that degree is worth it though. I would love to open a small photography business. If you don't know me that well though, I'm letting you know that I'd be perfectly happy not working if I didn't have to..but I need a degree in something. If I decide to transfer somewhere, I might possibly get a communications or a marketing degree. I'm really interested in working with a church or business on their new/social media things..and how they can be relevant to this generation and the next to come. I could easily just work in a church office for a while too. But the one thing I know is that I feel so secure about this decision. It may seem silly or stupid or you might think I'm making the wrong decision because I'm leaving a great career path. But God is over it all. Had I become a nurse, I would've consumed my life with my job - I know it. I love the church and ministry so much that I would be missing out on some amazing things because I'd be working or stuck doing schoolwork..and stuff that I would need to focus on wouldn't be my focus anymore. I'm just thankful that God knows me best. He knows where my passions are because they're His passions. I want to travel. I want to be in the ministry. I want to use photography as a part of my ministry. I want to worship. I want to teach others what it means to worship. I want to see lives changed. Everything I do from now on is to further God's Kingdom. Not to make my life better or to make myself feel or look good, but to help others see who loves them and cares for them. This is a new chapter for me. A new step. But I am so excited. I've been through a lot, which I haven't really even written about. But God never ceases to amaze me. He never lets me down. Even when I've been in the depths of darkness, His light has always been shining. So please join me in prayer for this next season. Like I said, it's scary, but pray for a continual peace over my life. Pray that I would have discernment for any opportunities that might rise up. And that I would always keep God and His plans way over my own.

A year or more.

It's been over a year since I last wrote. I used to love writing and having time to write out my feelings towards what God was doing in my life - good or bad. But I just lost track of time. After March 20, 2012, my life changed. The August before, I had met a guy, we clicked, we started dating, and things felt right. Until around that time in March. You see, if I could go back, I would just whisper in my ear that this would only be temporary. We rebounded off of each other. Each of us was hurt (even if we didn't want to confess to it). You see, just a couple months before, I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and a relationship that this new guy was in for a long time, also ended. I was on a high. I was happy and joyful and full of life and ready for things to start back up. And they did. Until around April last year, things had gotten so rocky in our relationship. I thought it would pass, but it didn't. We decided it was best that we broke up. I cried for days straight. You see, the problem with rebounds are that you have this image of your past relationship - where you were, where you were headed together, and what you would change. The perfection about rebounds in the moment, is that they are everything you've wanted. And they want everything that you do. And they don't annoy you as much as your ex. But at some point, it phases you. You can't replace a person. You can't just drop them into a relationship. You have to start brand new. And we realized that we weren't supposed to be together. Of course I got too emotionally involved and again, cried for days. But God gave me an even greater hope and peace for my future that eventually helped me get over it. Not saying that you never miss a person though. It's crazy how even if a person hurts you emotionally, you forget about the pain you felt, and you begin missing the good things about them.

So it's been a little over a year now. I've had guys pursuing and then they give up. Which can get to you at moments, but life goes on. I've begun another job. I absolutely love it. I became a youth leader. I absolutely love those kids and would do anything for them. Some of my best friends walked out of my life. I grew closer with the ones that stayed. Then the ones that stayed close, left for college. But them leaving pushed me to depend on myself. No one else. No other friends, no other guys, no one. Just myself. It's been a year of growing up. I'm thankful for the things that God has brought me through. Thankful for the teaching moments I've witnessed. Thankful for the God moments when I've been able to share my experiences with those around me. I'm thankful for when I can be the teacher. But I'm also thankful for those days when I can learn.

This past month, I've dealt with a feeling that's hard to explain. It feels like everything inside of me disagrees with any thought I have - any person that comes my way. I say this lightly, but it is like a spirit of cockiness. I felt like a cloud was hovering over me day after day. Some days better than the other. But I brought worry into my life, I brought frustration and stress into my life, I brought an attitude that I could get things done faster than asking other people; I became a jerk. And it never helped me, and as soon as I would act out and know that what I would say to people would be hurtful, I'd apologize. But this cloud would just hang over me. I didn't want to be with people. I wanted to be alone and content. Fast forward to the other night, one of my very best friends asked me how I was doing (mainly because my left eye had swelled up and we didn't know why). In that moment, I broke down. I explained to her this feeling and how I had no idea how to get rid of it. And she encouraged me that I wasn't alone and that she was always there for me..which is rare to hear anyone say that to me..so I know she meant everything she said. That night though, something changed. I was finished and done with living like this. My complacent heart soon turned to not having enough. I went home and had put a cold compress on my eyes since they had swelled and was laying in bed. Not comfortable, but just kind of stuck there. So I prayed - hard. I hadn't prayed like that in months.. I gave my worries to God. Everything from having average grades at school to transferring schools to my future spouse to my plans for next week..everything. And it's funny though. Sometimes we think that we have to have these crazy emotional moments with God, but as soon as I let those things go, I just knew. I felt better and felt a weight lifted. No tears, no yelling, no jumping. Just.. peace. God works in each of our lives differently. When we make stupid decisions, we go through it - but He's there the whole time, protecting us, even when we don't realize it. When I was in that breakup with that rebound, I thought my world was crumbling down. But truthfully, I eventually realized that God was trying to build me back up that whole time. Sometimes you just can't ride things out. Sometimes you have to jump off and start swimming towards the shore.

I am so happy I finally had the time to write. This has been growing on my heart for a couple months - well, a year now..but something held me back from writing for this long. And I think it was the point where I released everything that I had been building up this past year. Everything was weighing me down and I finally let it go. Life gets in our way almost all the time, but God never leaves us hanging. Even if we have to feel pain and heartache, He's always with us.

The Real Deal.

I'm not sure what this part of my life should be called, but I know God is teaching me things through it. Right now, I feel as though everything that I try to do in worship is going downhill. But I don't feel worried..cause I know it's what I'm called to do. But I have been "saving" songs in my head to do when I lead again. But the BIG MAN upstairs has a sense of humor. Any of the songs that I wanted to be selfish about and lead them myself, he's given to the leaders in my church to sing! Talk about unfair/silly/ridiculous! In those moments and even while writing this, I just have to laugh at myself. I shouldn't be concerned about leading them. That's not my job. My job when leading is to lead. Not to sing the best or to make the band sound the greatest. God is trying to shape me into a selfless, humble person. It's a hard change..but I truly am trying to seek after His own heart in order to change mine.

Moving on.

A lot changed since I last blogged. A lot. Near the last few days of July, I ended things with my boyfriend (well, ex now). I had known for a couple of months prior to that day that I needed to break up with him. He wasn't who I was supposed to be with anymore..but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was living my mundane life that had no excitement and barely any happiness. Like I told some friends of mine when explaining our relationship...it was good, but it wasn't great. It wasn't what I wanted. Yes, I could settle for an alright relationship, but why do that at my age? Why stop searching and seeking for the one that God has for you? After thinking about that over and over, my siblings randomly brought our relationship up. I broke. I knew God was confirming what I needed to do and that He was going to give me the strength to say "enoughs enough!"..and He did. The next day we broke up. Now I'm not saying that it was easy afterwards. Obviously you're going to hurt after realizing that your never going to see the person that you once loved ever again. It's a strange feeling. After we broke up however, God gave me this overwhelming peace and excitement for the future. I couldn't wait to work on me. To see what God wanted to do through me in this next season. Well here is what has happened: He's opened up amazing doors at my church to be our young adult group's worship leader. He's opened up the door for me to become a youth leader. He's given me great opportunities to talk to my fellow coworkers about Christ. He's brought some amazing people into my life. And He's even blessed me financially. But if I hadn't of moved out of where I was comfortable, none of these things could've happened. I wouldn't have been prepared and I basically would've been a hypocrite. But God forgives. And He blesses us even when we know we don't deserve it. He is always faithful and can and will bring us out of issues..but only when we're ready and when we ask for Him to help us.

The Rebel Inside.

It's hit me. I'm so done with where I am right now.  I want something new to happen for me.  Like, that's great for other people that new things are coming their way, but I want to be selfish and I want to do something. I want to move on in life - I want to do my own things - and I want to visit my freaking boyfriend! So many things, but it's like I'm still stuck in a kid's body.  I wish I was living life somewhere different..not here. I wish I could live life like you are, away from everyone.  I wish I was moving somewhere or going away to college..something. All my life I've wanted to travel and move around and do my own thing, and now that I actually am ready, I'm stuck.  Yes, I want to be successful in my life, but sometimes I wish I could just live in the middle of no where and be lazy and sleep.  I figure I'm just ranting on here, but I really wish I could change how things are.

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Scratch the whole worry thing, I gave it to God.  He'll help me deal.

Worry

You know, I worry way too much.  I try not to, but it's my downfall.  It's so hard not to be pessimistic about some things in life.. even when things are good, I start to worry - how could I be so blessed? Even though I've never really been screwed over in my life, it's a huge fear of mine.. Am I really worth it? I just don't believe it.  I can be such a strong person but once I start doubting peoples capabilities and my own, I start to break down. Every time it happens, I tell myself I know better....but it's a gradual change. I can't all of a sudden shove off my worry.  But I want you to know - I need you to know, I'm trying. I truly am trying.